Hey all! Long time no blog. Currently I am on a flight from Chicago to Miami, en route back to the island. I had every intention of writing sooner but apparently, for me, the road to doing nothing is paved with good intentions. I am happy to tell you all that I officially passed all of my semester 1 classes. I did very well actually – I am even receiving an award. I don’t actually know what the award is for since that was not in the very vague email I received but I am getting one none the less and that is exciting. I have been on break for the last 2.5 weeks, with my hubby in Wisconsin (for the most part – we did have a brief excursion to California as well) and despite all of my great plans (and good intentions), I did very little that was productive.
Along with my notions of productivity, I also had the overly optimistic idea that somehow going back to the island would be easier than leaving for it the first time. I imagined being well rested and eager to get back to my studies and classmates, bustling about getting things together and being READY. How very quixotic of me. Very much to the contrary, I feel quite strongly that although the anticipation/fear of the unknown was mostly gone, this time leaving felt much worse. My bustling around was more akin to dragging my feet and ugly crying in the airport beat down any eagerness that may have been lurking near by. I feel very strongly that I DON’T WANT TO GO. I don’t want to go so badly that I randomly cry and come up with really ridiculous ultimatums; IE: ‘if my loan does not go through by Wednesday, I am just not going back.’ Or ‘if I can’t find the right kind of whiteboard sticky paper at Walmart, that’s it, I’m just not going’. I have dealt with this very maturely…by crying quietly into the cat while Don is at work..and by drinking. I do not recommend either.
Don’t get me wrong, the island is nothing less than pleasant and I have had the good fortune of sincerely enjoying all of my classmates – some of them are flat out amazing…but…I don’t wanna. I am sternly opposed to being without my husband again and I have put together a list of things I am sad that I am missing out on which was CLEARLY the best use of my time. I will spare you the entire list, most of which is rather pathetic but here are the highlights:
- We are surrounded my orchards. I will be missing all of the fall orchard activities including but not limited to: apple picking, apple butter, apple cider, and hay rides – preferably with apple cider.
- Fall leaves. Our house has an unobstructed view of a forest covered hill. We also back up to a forest. The leaves are going to be beautiful and EPIC.
- Cool weather…and then cold weather. I know, I know, I have the beach. I don’t care. I need seasons.
- The first snow….as well as all the other snows. I love the snow…and watching our dogs play in the snow…and playing in the snow myself…..and then drinking hot apple cider.
- Holidays – Husband’s birthday trip to Atlanta to see his brother, sister in law, and our niece; Thanksgiving; Halloween. Not in that order.
Ugh. Thank you all for coming to my pity party, it is over now (well for the moment anyways). So WHY am I going back? Man, I have asked myself that at least 84,308 times over the past two weeks. I have all of the standard answers for that question, the most anxiety inducing of which is, “the loans are winning now. You have to finish so you can afford them!” and the silliest of which is, “you left your favorite shirt and your pink jewelry box there. You’re gonna want those”. Despite the truth in those answers, the thing we (‘we’ because my poor husband bought himself a one way ticket on this train wreck – and it hasn’t been easy on him either) keep coming back to is that this has been my dream and his dream for me, for many years. In addition to the passion and love for medicine that I have, I also already have a passion and love for our future family. Ultimately, we want to have kids and eventually those kids will have dreams, will need to take risks and will need to make sacrifices. Not only do we want to be in a position that will allow us to support those dreams (thank God for our parents, their support is keeping us going), but we also want to be able to tell them that we took risks, we made sacrifices, and we did things that scared us in order to follow our dreams too. More importantly, during the rough spots, we want to be able to tell them that sometimes things suck and THAT’S OK!
I am going back because it is going to be worth it. It is going to be worth it to do what I love and what I am passionate about. It is going to be worth it to be a living example for our children (or other people’s children, or anyone else who needs one). If I can accomplish that, then it will be worth the missed leaves, snows, and apples; those are the real reasons that I will keep on keeping on.
No matter how good the reasons, right now it still sucks…and that is ok.
Well friends, we are landing and I have now been yelled at twice about having my laptop out so here I leave you. Keep on keepin on.